


And you're not here to get me through it all.

by OTPGirl



Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt, Xander is very sad and tries to kill himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:40:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24843961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OTPGirl/pseuds/OTPGirl
Summary: Xander misses John more than he ever thought possible. He can't do this without him.WARNING: This story contains attempted suicide. If this will trigger you or make you uncomfortable, please do not read.
Relationships: Xander Lee/John McNamara
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	And you're not here to get me through it all.

**Author's Note:**

> Final Warning! This fic contains attempted suicide. Please do not read if this will negatively affect your mental state at all.
> 
> Title taken from "Someone You Loved" by Lewis Capaldi.

John is gone.

It’s not like this is new information to Xander. He was there when he disappeared into the portal, and he was the person that Howard told that John was gone. Xander had wanted to scream. He had wanted to cry. He wanted to run into the Black and White and find John himself, not caring if that meant that they were both trapped there. 

But Xander had a job to do. He had to keep the president safe and get him out of Washington. He’s grateful for Erik, the young private had really taken control of the situation and kept both Howard and Xander moving. 

Xander had to lock away all of the emotions hurtling through his mind. He became numb to everything going on and just went through all of the motions. The few days following Black Friday were just as busy, if not more so. 

Xander was the head scientist working on the Black and White project. Not only that, but he was the senior officer present when the incident with the nuke happened, so he had a lot to figure out and answer to. On top of everything else, there had been a spike of Black and White energy in a small town called Hatchetfield during everything, so he had to look into that. 

He found an angry teenager named Lex and her little sister named Hannah. Both of the girls clearly had powers linked to the Black and White, but whether they were a gift or a burden was certainly up for debate in Xander’s opinion. 

Xander introduced himself to the older one, Lex, and tells her a bit about PEIP, offering to teach her how to control her powers. She seemed hesitant, and rightly so. The two of them talked for hours, and by the end of it, Lex is hesitantly excited to learn how to control her powers. Her only condition is that her younger sister, Hannah, gets to come with her. Xander tells her that he’ll have to talk to their parents. 

After a surprisingly short conversation with a woman who seems much too eager to get the girls off her hands, all parental rights are handed over to PEIP. More specifically to Xander. That was days ago and Lex was learning quickly. 

This morning Xander woke up alone in his and Jonh’s bed. It’s the first time since John lef- since Black Friday, and he reached for John in a drowsy, half-awake state. John’s side of the bed is cold and empty and it just breaks down all the walls Xander had built up. Every little emotion he’s repressed in the last few days hits Xander like a title wave. 

It hurts so damn much. Xander didn’t know that something could hurt this badly. His vision blurs and he feels the sting of tears build up in his eyes. He reaches out with a shaky hand and grabs John’s pillow and brings it to his chest and clings it tightly. 

Xander presses his face into the pillow and lets the tears fall, sobs shaking through his entire body. John’s pillow smells faintly like the other man, and he presses his face into it more. 

‘How the hell am I supposed to do this without you John?’ Xander thinks to himself.

He can’t.

John is… was everything to Xander, and he can’t go on now that he’s gone. If PEIP can go on without it’s General, then it can most certainly go on without him. Most of what they had wanted to do with the Black and White had been completed, and the others on his team could handle anything else. 

Xander just wanted to sleep and never wake up. 

He slowly pulls his head up and looks around the room. He sees reminder after reminder of his and John’s life together. His eyes land on a knife on the place John’s pillow had been resting. Xander can’t remember a time when John didn’t keep a knife under his pillow, wanting to be prepared in case someone were to involve PEIP while they were sleeping. 

Xander sits up and reaches for the knife, his fingers closing around the cold, textured hilt of the knife and he brings it closer to him. He holds it for a moment, his eyes dancing across the plane design before he flicks it open and looks closely at the serrated blade. His finger comes up without him even thinking about it and presses against the tip. He feels a small sting as blood starts to drip from the small wound on his finger. 

Xander gets out of the bed. It feels wrong for him to do this in the bed he shared with his husband for many years, almost as if do it there is disgraceful to John’s memory. It didn’t entirely make sense to Xander, but he wasn’t thinking at this point. He sat down in the corner of the room, back settled against the point where two walls become one. 

Xander doesn’t know if he believes in an afterlife, but he knows John did. Neither of them was religious, but John firmly believed that when you die, there was something more and that you would be reunited with your loved ones. Xander will admit, it’s a pretty thought. But even if it’s not true Xander takes comfort in the fact that he won’t have to live without John. 

Without thinking about it anymore, he holds the knife firmly in his right hand and drags it across his left arm, creating three long and deep cuts spaced evenly between his wrist and the bend of his elbow. He quickly repeats the process on his right arm and lets the knife fall from his hand. He allows his head to lean back and rest against the wall, eyes slipping shut. 

Xander thinks he can faintly hear someone knock on the door, but he pays no mind to it. As he feels the darkness drag him under, he can’t help but smile. He hopes John was right. 

* * *

Xander wakes up, which is not something he was expecting. There is something soft beneath him, and he can see the brightness of wherever he is from behind his eyelids. He slowly opens them, blinking several times until his eyes adjust to the light. Ht sees some slight movement to the right from the corner of he eye and he turns to see what it is. 

It’s John. He looks tired. His hair is frizzier than he tends to let it get, and his expression is a somber one, but it’s undeniably him. He’s sitting in a hard plastic chair directly next to Xander.

“It worked.” Xander’s voice is barely above a whisper. He feels tears start to gather in his eyes again, but this time they are tears of joy and a big smile splits his face. “God John, I missed you so much. I can’t believe that I actually get to see you again.” 

John opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but he quickly closes it. He slowly reaches out and takes Xander’s hand. Xander tries to tangle their fingers together, but John doesn’t let him. He grabs the other man’s hand right above the wrist and brings it towards him. John presses a kiss against Xander’s forearm and Xander’s smile starts to fade when he sees the white bandages wrapped around his arm. He takes a moment to look around the room and realizes that he is in the infirmary room at PEIP, a place he’s been many times before. 

“I… I’m not dead, am I?” His voice is quiet and he doesn’t want to look back over at John. 

“No, you’re not. Thankfully someone found you before you bled out, and Dr. Tudor was able to save you, but just barely.” John’s voice sounds like he’s choking on emotion and Xander can’t help but look over at him. Tears are welling up in his husband’s eyes and it makes Xander wish that he had succeeded knowing that he’s the reason for them.

“How are you here? You were gone.”

“Alexandra saved me. I’m not sure how, but she did.” John seems very uninterested in what he’s saying, as if the fact that he’s sitting here right now isn’t a miracle. “Xander, why would you do this?”

Xander swallows heavily and looks down at the blanket on the bed, not wanting to see the questioning pain in the other man’s eyes. 

“I… I missed you. I didn’t think that I could go on without you. When I woke up in our bed, alone, it all hit me at once.” John’s grip tightens as Xander speaks, but he refuses to look over at him.

“Xander-”

“Can we not talk about this right now? Please?” John let’s go of his hand and stands up, causing Xander’s head to snap up and look at him with wide, worried eyes.

“I should let you rest.” He leans over and presses a kiss to Xander’s temple. 

“Don’t go. Please.” Xander isn’t above begging, not right now. John seems to hesitate and Xander grabs his hand, simultaneously moving over and pulling John into the bed. The other man quickly gives in and climbs next to him. 

Xander buries his face against John’s chest and John immediately wraps his arms around him. One hand holds Xander close to him, the other runs comfortingly up and down one of his arms. 

“I love you.” Xander murmurs against John’s chest, causing the arm holding him to tighten slightly. 

“I love you too.” John responds as he presses a kiss against the top of Xander’s head. Xander lets his eyes flutter shut, and he falls into a pleasant sleep, a small smile on his lips. 

**Author's Note:**

> I know, I know.   
> Come yell at me on Tumblr:  
> IjustwantJohnMcNamaratobehappyok
> 
> I'm thinking about making a pseudo-sequel from John's point of view and maybe even one from Lex's.


End file.
